When Being “Good” Becomes Exhausting: How the Tao Sets You Free From Moral Perfectionism
You want to be a good person.
Kind. Generous. Compassionate. A force for light in a complicated world.
These are beautiful instincts…human, heartfelt, and real.
But here’s the uncomfortable truth:
In today’s hyper-visible world, trying to be seen as good can quietly break you.
Why?
Because modern morality has morphed.
It's often no longer about deeply rooted inner values.
It’s about performance.
We perform goodness for approval.
We broadcast virtue to prove we care.
We overextend; not just from kindness, but from fear.
Fear of seeming selfish. Of being judged. Of not being “enough.”
But the Tao doesn’t care how good you look.
It asks only:
Are you aligned?
Aligned with your essence.
Your rhythm.
Your real self.
The hidden cost of virtue performance
Let’s be honest:
✹ You say yes when your soul says no because “good people don’t let others down.”
✹ You post, donate, volunteer not only to help, but to be seen as helpful.
✹ You suppress exhaustion, anger, even uncertainty because “good people stay composed.”
✹ You give and give—until your spirit starts to fracture under the weight of it all.
This isn’t generosity. It’s self-abandonment.
As the Tao Te Ching says:
“When the great Tao is forgotten, Kindness and morality arise.
When wisdom is lost, Intelligence takes over.
Then comes pretense.”
—Verse 18 (Chapter 5: “The Trap of Trying to Be Good” in The Strategy of No Strategy)
In other words:
The harder we try to appear good, the further we drift from what’s real.
my own reckoning with virtue burnout
Years ago, someone I loved was struggling deeply.
And I showed up emotionally, financially, logistically. Over and over.
But slowly, my support turned into expectation.
And my energy—once freely given—began to erode.
I kept saying yes when I had nothing left.
Not from love anymore but from guilt, from obligation, from fear.
I feared that if I stepped back, I’d be seen as selfish.
Ungrateful. Cold. “Bad.”
Until one day, after yet another draining interaction, I sat in my car and wept.
Not for them.
For me.
For the version of myself I had abandoned in order to be "good."
It wasn’t a lack of kindness.
It was the collapse that comes from trying too hard to be flawless.
And in that stillness, the Tao whispered:
“You are not here to prove your goodness. You are here to return to your essence.”
what the tao knows about real virtue
Taoism doesn’t offer more rules. It offers rhythm.
It teaches that:
✹ True virtue doesn’t perform. It flows.
✹ It doesn’t need to be praised. It needs to be lived.
✹ It arises not from pressure, but from presence.
Real virtue doesn’t crave applause. It doesn’t fear judgment.
It simply exists…quiet, clear, and self-sustaining.
WHAT happens when you actually stop performing “GOODNESS”?
✹ You stop abandoning yourself to win others’ approval.
✹ You stop broadcasting worthiness. You begin embodying it.
✹ You release the need to please—and reconnect with the power to be real.
✹ You create boundaries not as rejection, but as self-respect.
✹ Your presence becomes whole. Clean. Unburdened.
The Tao doesn’t ask you to be perfect. It asks you to be true.
try this today: the PRACTICE of honest, courageous, wholeness
Catch the Performance
Notice one moment where you feel the urge to say or do something just to appear good.
Ask: Is this coming from truth or from fear?Pause Mid-Sacrifice
Are you giving more than you have? Supporting from depletion?
Step back, even briefly.
Choose presence over performance.Affirm Your Enoughness
Say to yourself:
“My care does not need to be limitless to be real.”
“My goodness is not earned through exhaustion.”
“My worth is not a performance.”Let “No” Be Sacred
You don’t owe anyone your burnout.
Boundaries are not rejection. They are reverence for yourself and your energy.
ready to let go of performance and reclaim your wholeness?
Read The Strategy of No Strategy ; your Taoist guide to releasing moral perfectionism, reclaiming your energy, and moving with quiet, sustainable strength.
Inside, you’ll find:
✹ My personal story of virtue fatigue and recovery
✹ Taoist insights that unhook you from performance culture
✹ Practices for making decisions from alignment, not guilt
✹ A return to self-respect so deep it no longer needs to be seen
Stop Performing. Start Moving from Wholeness.
Know someone exhausted from being “the good one”?
Share this. Tag them softly.
Remind them:
You don’t have to prove you’re good.
You don’t have to burn out to be loved.
You don’t need to burn brightly every day to be worthy.
You just need to stop burning away your truth.